I am a mom.
I am not just a mom, but I am a mom.
And that means that I am ultimately (by the laws of nature and New York State) responsible for the two precious humans I have created. This is somewhat hard to explain… so, I’m hoping it doesn’t need much explanation for those in the parenthood boat. Even when I know the kids are safe and happy with their Dad or at their Grandma’s, there is a part of me that worries, that knows if anything were to happen I would be the one to shoulder that responsibility. Because of this constant little voice in the very back of my mind and heart, it is often difficult for me to really let go. And we all need the chance to let go.
This is where “self care” comes into play. My former self, the self I was before I was a mom, understood the importance of self care. She even made time for it, on occasion. The mom self that I am now, however, struggles a lot with that last part. I still very much understand the importance. I still need self care. I crave it. But there are two little humans that I have a hard time putting aside no matter how desperate I feel inside.
There is more to the struggle now, though, than just the two humans…after becoming a mom I sort of lost myself. The hobbies I used to do as self care didn’t always hold the same appeal, they still don’t. Part of the struggle, then, was just finding new things that worked to help me to let go.
Recently, I figured it out. Tattoos! And crazy hair. I have been getting tattoos since I was 17, but I have really amped up the frequency this past year. I have also been taking bigger chances with my hair, and I really want my nose pierced! At first I chalked these things up to me wanting to cling to youth…but I don’t think that’s what it is. I think this is just me trying to hold onto the weirdo that I was before I was “just a mom”. Artistic expression, endorphins, boundary testing… are just some of the pleasurable side effects of body mod. And the real kicker is… not a single one puts those precious humans in harm’s way. So that worrisome voice that I know will never leave, can at least, rest easy for a little while.
Here is the latest addition to my collection. Up next: Silver hair!